FACE VALUE
Have you been eating? Your face looks thin!
It was said innocently but freaked me out. People have commented about my weight before and it never bothered me–until I learned my diagnosis.
When gay men are asked about their weight there always seem to be a double entendre–at least to me. Are they trying to tell me something? Do they want me to admit something? Is it THAT obvious.
It is clear that my body is changing. I used to work out a lot–five days a week; sometimes twice a day. Working out was about mental health and keeping fit. In our body conscious culture toned and muscled bodies are (literally) to die for.
Truth is I haven’t been eating. A year later and I still don’t get Japanese supermarkets. Grocery shopping is a hassle. Everything is too small and overpriced. I once went to Costco in Makuhari and thought nothing to spend a fortune on super-sized portions that last longer. I believe in getting more for my money.
The comment freaked me out–not only because it was exclaimed in front of others–but because I know I have to start treatment. People who don’t take care of themselves look ill. That’s what my social worker said. While we can camoflauge our bodies in baggy jeans and oversized sweaters wearing a veil is not optional. I fear the side-effects but the disease in itself is of the wasting kind.
My plan of action is to practice better nutrition. Then start meds. A gym membership wouldn’t hurt either. I used to take life for granted but now I can’t. My external appearance is beyond my control. But projecting an aura of health and well-being is the best face lift I can afford.