People pop Champagne to celebrate: weddings, birthdays, graduations, anniversaries.
It has now been two years since I learned of my diagnosis. I had planned to find a moment to reflect, write my secrets and fears down on paper–then burn it, freeing myself from fears and secrets, but didn’t.
There is nothing to celebrate but I find that this time of year I reflect on the day I found out. Some people like to say it is easier to get hit by a bus and die than to pass from HIV but there have been days when I thought the bus scenario wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t really want to die but I don’t mind isolating myself.
I could go on about living a positive life and being super optimistic but even that becomes exhausting. Now I just want to be. I think of my purpose and while I am true to my purpose I am often self-conscious about the changes in my body/appearance and that is hard to accept.
I feel lucky to have life and I celebrate that. But I also have to be responsible and treat my body with more respect regarding nutrition, exercise and treatment. I cannot afford the luxury of not caring about my well-being.
So, this second year, I am aware that this diagnosis is here to stay and is not just a temporary thing. I know if I stop being self-conscious and let my true self shine then I’d be able to really transcend my inhibitions. Being positive is not a big deal if I am truly positive and not negative.
Maybe at this time I can learn to appreciate my breath and be satisfied with my life: that, I can consider celebrating.