People pop Champagne to celebrate: weddings, birthdays, graduations, anniversaries. It has now been two years since I learned of my diagnosis. I had planned to find a moment to reflect, write my secrets and fears down on paper–then burn it, freeing myself from fears and secrets, but didn’t.
There is nothing to celebrate but I find that this time of year I reflect on the day I found out. Some people like to say it is easier to get hit by a bus and die than to pass from HIV but there have been days when I thought the bus scenario wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t really want to die but I don’t mind isolating myself.
I could go on about living a positive life and being super optimistic but even that becomes exhausting. Now I just want to be. I think of my purpose and while I am true to my purpose I am often self-conscious about the changes in my body/appearance and that is hard to accept.
I feel lucky to have life and I celebrate that. But I also have to be responsible and treat my body with more respect regarding nutrition, exercise and treatment. I cannot afford the luxury of not caring about my well-being.
So, this second year, I am aware that this diagnosis is here to stay and is not just a temporary thing. I know if I stop being self-conscious and let my true self shine then I’d be able to really transcend my inhibitions. Being positive is not a big deal if I am truly positive and not negative.
Maybe at this time I can learn to appreciate my breath and be satisfied with my life: that, I can consider celebrating.
Fall is near. I can feel a gentle breeze in the evenings walking home from work. The mornings are cool, too, and I don’t want to leave my bed. Last night I felt I could sleep forever–in someone’s arms.
Over the summer I ate a lot and worked out a lot and noticed a difference in my body and mind. I was on an island. There were many interesting people on the island…and lots of boys who liked me. They were not gay…they were just boys who found me kakoi! It was nice to meet nice boys.
Tokyo life is getting better. I am discovering that it is not so bad. My friend wrote me a letter saying everyone in Japan wants to embrace me, that the culture wants to embrace me. I’m embraceable. Japan….is embraceable.
I am not worried about anything today. Not health. Not death. Not about being single. Many people ask, Why are you single. I can only say it is not my time.
What do I love about Japan? Sometimes it is hard to say. Sometimes I bitch a lot about what I don’t understand. But bitchiness is a sign of bitterness and it is best to be better instead of bitter. I love Japan because it gave me a new life. My world is new. My dreams are new. And as muzukashi as it can be it is also a very beautiful life.